Where do you find your worth? Last night thoughts of high school flooded my memory. With them came a slight pang in my stomach. I pictured my 16 year old self, wandering around, hoping someone would notice me. Really—hoping a cute boy would notice me. Awkwardness. Uncertainty. Ample mascara. And a spray of Gap’s perfume Dream. Those were not the days.
And then sometimes I think I’m not so different from that 16 year old girl. There are days where I’m full of confidence. Invincible. Glass over-flowingly half full. And then there are days of wandering and wondering. Days of comparison. Days of stat checking. Thinking that somehow those numbers will make me a better person. Days of incessantly checking my email. Hoping one in there says I noticed you.
My site and email have been down some this week. And somewhere along the way my spirit went down with them. I think I lost myself for a second.
I used to be a soccer player. I quit playing my freshman year of college after a second knee surgery. And with it I lost part of my identity. I did some wandering and found myself again. I was, in fact, more than a soccer player. And for a brief moment this week, I found myself at the same crossroad. With my blog aside, who am I?
I have to remind myself that I’m more. More than a blog post. More than the number of Pinterest repins my recipe gets or doesn’t get. More than the number of Instagram and Twitter followers. More than that addicting real-time google analytics graph that’s running in the background of my computer screen.
I’ll wake up tomorrow. Put on ample mascara. And a spray of my grown-up scent knowing that some things never change. Knowing that there’s uncertainty and awkwardness ahead. But also knowing that I’m more. And in case you’re anything like me—please know—you’re more too. Don’t let a bar graph tell you otherwise.
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This was absolutely delicious! We used mashed butternut squash (1 cup) instead of pumpkin purée, soy milk (1 cup) instead of milk, and left out the walnuts, egg and applesauce. We would definitely make this again!
Thank you for the reminder Erin. We are more than the blog, the job, the thing. It does not define the totality of who we are. But we have the courage to know when we slip, and to admit it. To break down and cry…..and to wipe those tears and begin afresh, with the knowledge deep inside. Thank you.
YES – indeed you are enough!! But I get you – sometimes we lose sight of the bigger picture (I struggle with this, too). i get tired of the blogging thing occasionally and do the whole ‘but what is the point?!’ questioning, but then I remember that I mostly enjoy it … that it’s my creative outlet … that it’s a place for me to deposit my ramblings and photos … and so keep on, because at the end of the day I like having the space *for me*. That people read is just a lovely bonus.
For the record, I think you’re marvelous as is, Melissa! So glad to call you a friend. Let’s skype happy hour it up again soon. This pumpkin oatmeal looks incredible and I totally wore Gap Dream, too!
Once in awhile I get caught up in all that stuff as well, but this Summer I realized my online (or off) “self worth” was nobody’s but mine. Everyone is doing there thing and you can only be the best you want to be. I stopped looking at google analytics a very long time ago. Mostly out of lack of understanding how it all works and time I actually had to look over the numbers, but looking at a line go up and down across a number of days is like some terrible roller coaster diet that I didn’t want to be on. I personally think you’re great, and looking at all the previous comments left, it looks to me like you have some pretty amazing people following and taking time from their day to send you a little message. I think that’s worth more than any number can tell you. xo
This is so true and yet so hard to remember sometimes. I’ve definitely been feeling this way lately, too. I’m glad I’m not the only one! Thanks for this post. That baked oatmeal looks so good!
I still put on ample mascara and care what people think…it’s weird. But hey! We all do, so there is a strange sort of comfort in that. Love the post today!….and the photos. I’ll go check the recipe out now 🙂
High school was the same for me – not the good days. ‘Where do you find your worth?’ Thanks for your honesty here – I’ve found myself doing the same thing, comparing and obsessively checking, hoping and worrying. I find when I remind myself why I’m blogging {which is to create some kind of food history for my family} and if I focus on that, it helps center me again. It’s not always easy, but it has helped me.
And, you’re wonderful, you know. You’ve made a lovely space that many people like to visit. But, you are so much more than this. Love to you Melissa.
I ask myself these questions on a regular rotation as well. My husband always gets me off the ledge. The blog is for me, and only for me – if others like it that’s nice, but not essential to what I’m doing. I try not to look at the numbers, but I know they are there and it’s hard not to. I love positive feedback and things to get better and better – watching numbers like a hawk can take away from the fun I have with blogging. I am not the blog, it’s just a venue. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, it’s nice to see others have the same as me.
I asked myself a lot of these same questions last year, after sending my baby to kindergarten. It took awhile to answer them, but along the way I learned to be a little kinder and patient with myself. If my opinion makes any difference, you are looking pretty amazing right now. Your talents are shining in the best possible way. 😉
Melissa, I so needed to read this today! You are sooo not alone and I’m glad to know that I’m not alone either! From the outside worlds perspective you are rocking right now! 🙂 xo
Thanks for the sweet note Leah! You are rockin it too. I love your style and your handwritten posts/type lately. So much of you is shining through! It’s a beauty.
YOU are enough. F— the stats and clicks and pins. YOU just YOU are rocking out in world, taking risks, starting a new business venture, moving across the country… You are braver and stronger than you think. And hey, I think awkward is adorable. Here’s one of my favorite mantras, I’m lending it to you today:
“I must learn to love the fool in me — the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries. It alone protects me against the utterly self-controlled, masterful tyrant whom I also harbor and who would rob me of human aliveness, humility, and dignity but for my fool.”
I loved this. and at 44, that feeling never really goes away (sorry) but i will tell you that it gets a little quieter.
For years I listened to friends who dreaded when their kids went off to college because who would they be without them? but me – I secretly couldn’t wait for them to start so I could work on myself and figure out what I wanted to be when grew up. as you say – I knew there was more.
I love what you said—that it gets a little quieter. Hopefully that wisdom that comes with age will drown out the silly thoughts. I love your outlook on life! PS-are you coming to ALT in SLC?
Timely post… I can relate. I just popped this oatmeal in the oven. I couldn’t resist. I was curled up in a ball all day yesterday with the stomach flu… your post popped up on my Facebook feed a few minutes ago and I knew I had everything to make it. Surely it will hit the spot after not eating anything but bread and apple juice yesterday. Just 15 minutes til breakfast!
This has been on my mind a lot recently; it’s so easy to get lost in a world of targets and goals that you end up not knowing what really matters and losing yourself to the crazy. I’m glad that you’ve found yourself again.
This was absolutely delicious! We used mashed butternut squash (1 cup) instead of pumpkin purée, soy milk (1 cup) instead of milk, and left out the walnuts, egg and applesauce. We would definitely make this again!
Do you know how many calories are in this recipe? Thank you
Hi! I don’t do calorie counts for my recipes, but I think there are some sites that you can plug a recipe into like this one.
Thank you for the reminder Erin. We are more than the blog, the job, the thing. It does not define the totality of who we are. But we have the courage to know when we slip, and to admit it. To break down and cry…..and to wipe those tears and begin afresh, with the knowledge deep inside. Thank you.
Excellent. Words of wisdom ring true every time, and these are words I need to be reminded of—sometimes daily (or hourly if truth be told).
YES – indeed you are enough!! But I get you – sometimes we lose sight of the bigger picture (I struggle with this, too). i get tired of the blogging thing occasionally and do the whole ‘but what is the point?!’ questioning, but then I remember that I mostly enjoy it … that it’s my creative outlet … that it’s a place for me to deposit my ramblings and photos … and so keep on, because at the end of the day I like having the space *for me*. That people read is just a lovely bonus.
For the record, I think you’re marvelous as is, Melissa! So glad to call you a friend. Let’s skype happy hour it up again soon. This pumpkin oatmeal looks incredible and I totally wore Gap Dream, too!
Once in awhile I get caught up in all that stuff as well, but this Summer I realized my online (or off) “self worth” was nobody’s but mine. Everyone is doing there thing and you can only be the best you want to be. I stopped looking at google analytics a very long time ago. Mostly out of lack of understanding how it all works and time I actually had to look over the numbers, but looking at a line go up and down across a number of days is like some terrible roller coaster diet that I didn’t want to be on. I personally think you’re great, and looking at all the previous comments left, it looks to me like you have some pretty amazing people following and taking time from their day to send you a little message. I think that’s worth more than any number can tell you. xo
This is so true and yet so hard to remember sometimes. I’ve definitely been feeling this way lately, too. I’m glad I’m not the only one! Thanks for this post. That baked oatmeal looks so good!
I still put on ample mascara and care what people think…it’s weird. But hey! We all do, so there is a strange sort of comfort in that. Love the post today!….and the photos. I’ll go check the recipe out now 🙂
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.
Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen.
High school was the same for me – not the good days. ‘Where do you find your worth?’ Thanks for your honesty here – I’ve found myself doing the same thing, comparing and obsessively checking, hoping and worrying. I find when I remind myself why I’m blogging {which is to create some kind of food history for my family} and if I focus on that, it helps center me again. It’s not always easy, but it has helped me.
And, you’re wonderful, you know. You’ve made a lovely space that many people like to visit. But, you are so much more than this. Love to you Melissa.
I ask myself these questions on a regular rotation as well. My husband always gets me off the ledge. The blog is for me, and only for me – if others like it that’s nice, but not essential to what I’m doing. I try not to look at the numbers, but I know they are there and it’s hard not to. I love positive feedback and things to get better and better – watching numbers like a hawk can take away from the fun I have with blogging. I am not the blog, it’s just a venue. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, it’s nice to see others have the same as me.
I asked myself a lot of these same questions last year, after sending my baby to kindergarten. It took awhile to answer them, but along the way I learned to be a little kinder and patient with myself. If my opinion makes any difference, you are looking pretty amazing right now. Your talents are shining in the best possible way. 😉
Melissa, I so needed to read this today! You are sooo not alone and I’m glad to know that I’m not alone either! From the outside worlds perspective you are rocking right now! 🙂 xo
Thanks for the sweet note Leah! You are rockin it too. I love your style and your handwritten posts/type lately. So much of you is shining through! It’s a beauty.
YOU are enough. F— the stats and clicks and pins. YOU just YOU are rocking out in world, taking risks, starting a new business venture, moving across the country… You are braver and stronger than you think. And hey, I think awkward is adorable. Here’s one of my favorite mantras, I’m lending it to you today:
“I must learn to love the fool in me — the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries. It alone protects me against the utterly self-controlled, masterful tyrant whom I also harbor and who would rob me of human aliveness, humility, and dignity but for my fool.”
Theodore I. Rubin
Kelsey. I. LOVE. THIS. I’m printing it out or designing a poster with this quote on it. Thanks for being my friend!
I loved this. and at 44, that feeling never really goes away (sorry) but i will tell you that it gets a little quieter.
For years I listened to friends who dreaded when their kids went off to college because who would they be without them? but me – I secretly couldn’t wait for them to start so I could work on myself and figure out what I wanted to be when grew up. as you say – I knew there was more.
I love what you said—that it gets a little quieter. Hopefully that wisdom that comes with age will drown out the silly thoughts. I love your outlook on life! PS-are you coming to ALT in SLC?
Definitely going to check these out
Timely post… I can relate.
I just popped this oatmeal in the oven. I couldn’t resist. I was curled up in a ball all day yesterday with the stomach flu… your post popped up on my Facebook feed a few minutes ago and I knew I had everything to make it. Surely it will hit the spot after not eating anything but bread and apple juice yesterday. Just 15 minutes til breakfast!
Hope this made you feel a little better Carrie!
This has been on my mind a lot recently; it’s so easy to get lost in a world of targets and goals that you end up not knowing what really matters and losing yourself to the crazy. I’m glad that you’ve found yourself again.