Where do you find your worth? Last night thoughts of high school flooded my memory. With them came a slight pang in my stomach. I pictured my 16 year old self, wandering around, hoping someone would notice me. Really—hoping a cute boy would notice me. Awkwardness. Uncertainty. Ample mascara. And a spray of Gap’s perfume Dream. Those were not the days.
And then sometimes I think I’m not so different from that 16 year old girl. There are days where I’m full of confidence. Invincible. Glass over-flowingly half full. And then there are days of wandering and wondering. Days of comparison. Days of stat checking. Thinking that somehow those numbers will make me a better person. Days of incessantly checking my email. Hoping one in there says I noticed you.
My site and email have been down some this week. And somewhere along the way my spirit went down with them. I think I lost myself for a second.
I used to be a soccer player. I quit playing my freshman year of college after a second knee surgery. And with it I lost part of my identity. I did some wandering and found myself again. I was, in fact, more than a soccer player. And for a brief moment this week, I found myself at the same crossroad. With my blog aside, who am I?
I have to remind myself that I’m more. More than a blog post. More than the number of Pinterest repins my recipe gets or doesn’t get. More than the number of Instagram and Twitter followers. More than that addicting real-time google analytics graph that’s running in the background of my computer screen.
I’ll wake up tomorrow. Put on ample mascara. And a spray of my grown-up scent knowing that some things never change. Knowing that there’s uncertainty and awkwardness ahead. But also knowing that I’m more. And in case you’re anything like me—please know—you’re more too. Don’t let a bar graph tell you otherwise.