The Christmas decorations are up, and I’m already starting to twitch a little. It’s the most wonderful time of the year. I wince. The house looks festive but full, maybe too full, especially with the tiny messes in every corner. Hal, age 4, is into wrapping the whole house and putting it under the tree. She, like most of us, thinks that empty space needs filling. For that very reason alone, minimalism is hard. It’s hard to do less. Minimalism is a continual, deliberate choice that manifests itself even in the space between the last branch of the lit evergreen tree and the hardwood floors. How will we fill that space? That’s a question we’re asking ourselves more intentionally this year, especially now that Hal can comprehend our decisions.
MINIMALISM SERIES
This post is an ongoing series on practical minimalism. Minimalism is typically marked by living with less. I also like to think of it as living intentionally and efficiently. Minimalist living exists on a spectrum. We’re a family of 3 (two adults and one 4 year old). This is how we’re trying to live a leaner life.
On her first Christmas, we gave Hallie 3 presents. She was 3 months old then and couldn’t understand if 3 presents were sufficient, much less hold her tiny body up to a sitting position. A minimal Christmas was easy then. But as she’s gotten bigger, so have her Christmases. Maybe too big. We live away from our families, and Hal is the only grandchild on all three sides. She’s also our only child. It’s hard to do less.
When I think back on the holidays as a kid, I remember the experiences over the individual presents, outside the Talkboy, which helped me to record my younger brother singing in the shower.
We’re trying on less this year and asking our families to do the same, which is the hardest part for me. It’s really hard for me to articulate my personal needs, to impose myself on anyone. But I’d also like to take the wince out of the most wonderful time of the year. Because I think it could be.
For joy doesn’t come in boxes
Nor peace in a heavy watch
Those red ribbon foxes are not so easy caught
But the search it never stops
—Red Ribbon Foxes, A Fine Frenzy
I don’t have all the answers on this topic. In fact, we’re in the infancy of weaving minimalism into the holidays. With that said, I’m so excited to have two of my favorite minimalists, Denaye from Simple Families and Zoë from Raising Simple, who have influenced me, weighing in on this topic. Read more below from them. We’ll all be hopping into the comments to continue this conversation. Leave questions, thoughts, advice, and concerns there.
Before I turn it over, I’d like to leave you with a couple things. Here’s my personal rule for keeping or getting rid of excess (gifts or otherwise): if we need to buy extra storage to keep something that we wont use, then it should be returned to the store or donated. And my personal rule for gift-giving: I try not to think about it after it leaves my hands. And if I do, then I’ve placed an expectation on that gift. In that case, it’s no longer a gift but a one-sided barter.
If you’re looking for a couple non-present present ideas for kids, try passes to museums, children’s theaters, magazines (like Bravery Mag that comes 4 times a year), and one-on-one dates. Or add to a college fund. Or donate to a cause or a family that doesn’t have the luxury to ask for less. Talk to the child about your choice to give this way. They’re listening and watching.
Denaye Barahona Ph.D.
Denaye Barahona is the voice behind Simple Families, a blog and podcast that focus on simple living and intentional parenting.
simplefamilies.com
Family Values
In our family, we value living with less. My kids don’t get much in the way of wrapped, tangible gifts at the holidays. Passing on this part of the holiday tradition (click to read a more in-depth post) allows us to focus on a different type of abundance: the intangible blessings that surround us. Sometimes an abundance of wrapped packages can distract us from the real gifts of the holidays: life, love, family, religion, and togetherness.
You know, the good stuff.
This is our family value. But family values aren’t always easy to define and they are often even harder to uphold. Sometimes explaining our values can even be uncomfortable. We have pressure from society, peers, and perhaps even extended family members to forgo our values.
As a parent, it’s my job to instill family values into my children. Whether the family value is health, well-being, or abiding by the law. We start instilling these values in our children from the day they are born.
How do we instill family values, you ask?
We instill family values through leading by example (click to read a more in-depth post). In our family, we value living with less. So each time I honor this value and uphold it on behalf of my children—I am modeling for them how to tactfully and effectively stand up for our family values. Because someday, somewhere these kids are going to be grown-up and far away from my watchful eye. And I want them to know how to stand up for our family values. It starts with me.
So yes, we have the uncomfortable, yet heartfelt conversations with well-intentioned gift givers about scaling back on the presents. It goes something like this:
“Our kids really love spending time with you, and I have enjoyed seeing that relationship grow. I fear that too many packages may distract them from appreciating all the wonderful intangible gifts you bring as a person. I don’t want them to anticipate and look forward to gifts more than they do special time with you. How can we work together to keep them focused on the important stuff?”
Expect this to be an ongoing conversation throughout the years—particularly if this family value runs counter to the values of the gift-giver. Don’t get frustrated with them, because they will need gentle reminders. In the end, it’s a beautiful message that will be appreciated when it’s articulated in a kind and thoughtful manner.
Zoë Kim
Zoë Kim is the author of Minimalism for Families, mom of four, and creative inspiring others to make room for what matters most.
raisingsimple.com
Giving and Receiving
Our best holiday memories are centered around faith, family, friends, experiences, and traditions, not around a specific gift. Gift-giving is a tradition, but it isn’t what makes for a meaningful holiday.
A minimal Christmas in our home means mindfully redefining the way we celebrate holiday, centering the holiday around the things that truly matter—which in my life are pretty much not things. We value living with enough. We exchange a few gifts during the holidays, but we don’t let this part of our celebration take center stage. We focus on making (and leaving!) room for what matters most. In our home, in our mind, and in our hearts. Below are a couple topics we’ve dealt with over the years.
How to show gratitude for others whose love language is gifting
We show our gratitude by honoring their desire to give the gift with these steps.
Explain your new direction in gift giving. Let them know their presence is the best present. Depending on the relationship, we share our simplicity message with them in full or part. You might say, we’ve found life is richer without all the clutter, kids need fewer toys (backed by research), I have more time to spend with my family, we’re debt free and we want you to be too because we love you! The list is endless. Share your why with them. A minimal Christmas is about trading—quality over quantity, presence over presents, and experiences over stuff.
Make your gift requests known early. Give your wish list to thoughtful gift-givers ahead of time. Provide them with a specific list of experiences or physical needs/wants your family would like. There are people who will still give gifts that weren’t on your list—but when you’ve done these three steps it will be easier to give the unwanted gift away without any guilt.
When you share your experience gift list, explain how that experience would be helpful. Not only does an experience gift keep the clutter out but it often provides a new way of connecting.
For more experience-gift inspiration visit these posts:
The White Envelope
7 Simplicity Gifts to Give this Season
The Other Question to Ask this Holiday Season
How to handle unwanted or excessive gifts
I’ve found there are people who will hear my simplicity message and honor my no-gift request. And there are people whom I love who will not hear my requests for less. When those people don’t hear me (for whatever reason) and give me gifts, I kindly accept the gift and thank them for their thoughtfulness. After that, I may keep the gift for a week or a year, but ultimately the gift has been given, and I’m free to do with it is as best for my life.
When I no longer wish to keep the gift I accepted, I typically make one of two choices depending on the relationship. One is to go to the gift giver and explain that while I appreciate this thoughtful gift, it isn’t finding much use in my home. I ask them if they would like to use the item and if it would be helpful to them. This can be very uncomfortable, I know. I’ve found most often people will give you permission to give the item away. I’m always mindful to mention how thankful I am for their thoughtfulness and my hope is that the item will be used.
The other option is to simply donate the item without telling the gift-giver. This option is easier when you’ve been given gifts from people who live far away and don’t visit your house!
Kindly accepting an unwanted gift and giving it away without guilt does get easier with more practice. When you have removed the excess from your home, accepting a few extra gifts doesn’t seem like such a stressful experience. When my family has received gifts we have no place or use for, we simply donate them. Accepting the gift with gratitude and choosing not to keep what we don’t need can be used as an opportunity to give to others.
How to talk to your children about gifts
Before the holidays (and throughout the year) we talk about gifts with our children. Sharing practical minimalism, through casual conversations and in small doses sinks the deepest. We always allow our kids to choose the fate of gifts given to them but we may ask them questions such as:
- Do you think you will enjoy playing with that more than a few times?
- Would you like to re-gift it to another child?
- Is there room on your toy shelf (or other designated toy space)? If not, is their a toy you no longer play with?
- Would you like to return the gift and use it for an experience (skating, bowling, a lunch date at their favorite restaurant?…)
We also teach them to apply guidelines for incoming gifts such as: designate a space for each thing, one comes in one goes out, and the use it or give guideline. When we talk about gifts ahead of time our kids are better prepared to let go of things they may not even really like. By asking our kids questions, we’re giving them the tools to learn mindful decision making in their own lives. Isn’t that what we parents want?
This is exactly what we’ve been trying to do with our daughter. We said “no presents, please” for her birthday, limited her grandparents to only giving necessities for Christmas (clothes and books) and we did the same. We keep her toy collection really small both for us (less to house and clean up) and also for her- if she only has a few things, she will really try to figure them out instead of just moving on to something else.
It is probably going to get harder as she gets older (she is only 1 1/2 now) but so far I’m loving it. I would hate for her to grow up equating stuff with love or stuff with success and happiness.
Thanks for a great post on this topic!
We try to practice minimalism but it’s grown increasingly difficult since having a kiddo this year (plus, she’s the first grandkid on one side). Through conversations PRIOR to this year, however, our families understand our perspective and try to take it into account.
We put out specific lists for ourselves and the kid because: 1) the relationship is more important than the stuff, 2) we do have needs (e.g., bigger clothes, toys that are age appropriate, etc.), and 3) we like giving! My family is full of people with “gift giving” as a love language.
The focus in recent years for us has been on experiences and/or handmade, meaningful items that will be useful, mindful of the environment, and/or multi-faceted. For example, buying an item secondhand (only for the right recipient), making capes for my nephews, gifting “date nights” to my sister and her long-distance boyfriend, etc. We also try to do something every year at this time that benefits the community.
That tension of being a gifter and loving to show love in that way while being minimalist is hard. And at the end of the day I cull, cull, cull through the stuff we have to only keep what we need AND remind me of the broader impact of our choices but I’m still trying to figure it out.
I resonate so much with this! My family members are such good gift givers, and, honestly, I’m not. Partly because it’s not my love language. I question everyday—am I doing it right? Is it worth having the conversation? It’s so hard.
I really enjoyed and related to this post. I believe wholeheartedly in the concept of “enough” and knowing what that represents to us. For me, having too much stuff in my home creates a visceral discomfort. So much so that many years ago I made the bold request to friends and family to hold back on the gift giving. It was met with confusion at best, and contempt at worst. Every New Year I do a cleansing of the house, and without fail most of the stuff was given to our family, not purchased by me. I used to feel guilty about purging these “gifts” but no more. Someone recently bought me artwork that I politely accepted but refuse to put up in my house. Every time she comes over I think she looks for it! Nope. Not going to fill my house with other people’s stuff. Anyway, it’s wonderful to read these accounts of people who understand how and what I feel. Glad to be part of the weird club! Thanks for this post Melissa.
I’ve been thinking about the difference between the very humble, minimal Christmases that my parents grew up with and the lavish Christmases they gave us as kids. I know that they know joy can come very simply, but they still love to buy their kids and grand kids lots of things! It comes from a generous place. Thankfully our family sees how minimalist we are (it helps that they think we are crazy for having two kids in 600 sq ft.) so they tend to be very thoughtful about what they give us. Museum and Y memberships for the kids have been a hit! But at the end of the day, I’m also happy with whatever they decide to give the kids. We aim to enjoy the gift as long as possible (a week, a month, a year) and then do the same as we do with everything else in the house: subject it to regular, rigorous purges and see if it lasts 😉
This is something I’ve been thinking about a lot, too, particularly as my guys are getting older (4 and almost 2). We are still able to keep gift-giving simple, but I know it’s going to get more complicated as they get older.
For now, my husband and I aim to model the whole “experiences over things” mentality. We never give each other gifts beyond bringing home a favorite dessert from a favorite restaurant for birthdays (or sometimes just because), and since traveling with our kids is a top priority, we started to talk with them about how our trips are our gifts to each other. We do rely heavily on wish lists that include a mix of experiences and things and money for their college fund to keep things in check from relatives. I’ve found including some smaller, less expensive options on a wish list lets people give our kids an actual gift/toy to open that can also be paired with an experience-based gift or money. But there have been some larger gifts that relatives wanted to give and we just say, “that’s fine but they have to stay at your house.” We simply don’t have the room, which has been a perk of having a small home.
But, I know I have lots to learn and would love to hear from others about how they keep it simple with older children.
Ah, I love this. So inspiring and helpful. Also: giving without expectations. YES. The only real giving.
Thanks for joining in Shanna!
My two brothers and I grew up in a middle class household where very little shopping or buying (outside of necessities) was done. We knew we could expect something new roughly twice a year: back-to-school and Christmas. Sometimes the gifts met a need – new blue jeans and fresh notebooks. But sometimes the gifts were heartfelt, silly, unnecessary, use-it-for-one-year-and-discard-it gifts. It felt like a treat because it didn’t happen all the time. There is comfort in being allowed to revel in something that serves no other purpose than to bring you joy, no matter how temporary. Today I find this same level of comfort and satisfaction from the intangible, and often make an active choice to do so. But those motivations are complex and not always easy to articulate or process – so I can imagine how challenging it would be for a child to try and do the same. We’ll be welcoming our first child in the new year and I’m already thinking about how to make his first Christmas as special as mine were. I may not remember many of the specific gifts I received over the years, but I do remember how it felt to bound down the staircase and see colorful boxes of every shape and size exploding from underneath the tree. I don’t remember the stuff, I remember the hope – the hope that the day would bring a new holiday-inspired happiness different and brighter from what I felt on a normal day. We never doubted was important about the holidays – my Mom made sure of that. But we were also allowed to be kids that tore into packages with reckless abandon, kids who – and here’s the important part – didn’t really care what was inside. The stuff didn’t make us happy, the experience did. It’s easier for me now to focus less on the gifting and more on being together. But I wouldn’t trade those memories – or my Easy Bake Oven – for anything.
Thanks so much for sharing! These are my favorite posts. I LOVE getting to hear about others lives. Your stories shape my own. My mom was like your mom—she made that day so, so special for us. I would barely sleep the night before! My biggest hope is that we keep the magic for her. My husband is really good at balancing me out ?.
And oh my gosh, I almost forgot about the Easy Bake Oven!!
Thank you for sharing your story Michelle. Some Christmases my brother and I had a ton of presents to unwrap and others we had just a few. But we too loved the experience! And I always wanted that easy bake oven!
Congratulations on your expected baby.
I love this so much!
Thanks for reading and commenting Candace! Happy to hear it resonated with you ❤️
I’ve asked for no gifts at birthday parties since my daughter’s first one. It made everyone so uncomfortable, and I couldn’t understand why. We were just happy to have people who wanted to celebrate with us. I think some saw it as a judgment (as people often do, especially in parenting) of their choice to host parties differently. What they didn’t know is that I grew up without much money and spent many a birthday party as a 10-15 year old being embarrassed by what I could give. I never want a child coming to my home for a party to feel that way.
For holidays, I usually request books if the giver wants to give something to open instead of something like a museum membership. While my five year old has outgrown board books, many of the other books she’s gotten in her life are still ones she enjoys reading. We often talk about how having too much means that nothing gets played with and how it’s better to have a few toys she loves than several that just get left in baskets unused. In a world that tells them otherwise, teaching children about quality over quantity can be hard, but I think my daughter is beginning to understand.
Thanks for this post! Makes me feel not quite so alone with this stuff since most of my friends think it’s kind of weird.
Thank you for sharing your experience! I LOVE getting to peek in others lives. I had the same motivation for not having presents at Hal’s birthday. I didn’t want the stress of buying presents to stop someone from coming. In an effort to help with that issue, I created another one. I guess you just have to pick a side to err on, since there’s always multiple ways to handle one thing. PS—I’m in the weird club too!
I was pretty strong in my “no gift” request this year for our 4 year old’s party. I tried to use kind words, saying “No gifts, please–your presence is the present”. I wrote it on the Evite and then again on the reminder message before the event. A little overkill? Maybe. But it worked and I think people respected our decision (or maybe just thought I was crazy and were too polite to mention it.)
Thanks for sharing your experience Courtney!
It is so hard to shift gears when people are used to doing things a certain way.
I try to get them to think of it as a trade, rather than going without. We’re trading physical gifts for an experience, or donations to a charity or we’re trading presents for presence. Hope you have a wonderful holiday!
I so agree with you when it comes to giving a gift with no expectations. Once I give it I let it go. I work in a city where homeless people stand on the street corners. If I give I give with no strings attached and I have a friend who doesn’t understand that concept. She is always saying “you have no idea what he is going to do with the money’ to which I reply ‘I don’t care, once I give it I let go’. So nice to hear someone else with that sentiment. Thanks for the reinforcement
❤️
I absolutely love this post and it is just what my heart needed. Sometimes I feel like minimalism is an uphill battle and it is easier to remain quiet and accept the clutter and then remove later but I think it would save so much time and effort (and money) if I was stronger in my requests to friends and family. I will definitely be trying to implement some of these conversations this year.
Happy you found it helpful Jordan!
Yes, sometimes it does feel easier to remain quiet and accept it rather than share your thoughts and values. But in the long run I think you’ll be happy you did!
I used to stay quiet too, like a vegan sitting next to the turkey at the Thanksgiving table. My husband, Kev, has been so good at helping me articulate my needs without feeling LOADS of guilt. I’m better but still not great. But I always respect people who are able to be direct with me.
Yes! Being proactive rather than reactive can be uncomfortable at times, but I truly believe it’s the way to go.
Feeling loads of guilt about speaking up about your wants and needs. You are becoming a true Minnesotan.: D